Irritation Station

First at the Green Light

2011-05-27T06:06:00.000-07:00

Do us all a favor, watch the perpendicular light like a hawk, when it ignites red, be ready to go. The person behind you is 99.9% more likely to be in a bigger rush than you.

Friendly Motorcycle People

2011-05-22T12:48:00.000-07:00

I would like to buy a motorcycle one day. One thing that is stopping me is that I don't want to wave at everyone else riding a motorcycle. I'm just not that friendly.

Trucker Hats

2011-05-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

I don't think these youngin's know, those fat billed mesh trucker hats looked stupid back in the 80's when we were wore them for t-ball and little league. Those little plastic hat sizing pegs would eventually break. You only had two options from there, a hat that is too big or one that left imprints in your forehead.

One of Many Problems with Clowns

2011-05-19T17:47:00.000-07:00

I think one of the major problems with clowns is the white face paint. The clowns teeth are never as white as the face paint so it highlights the yellow stains of the teeth. This will then make you think of how many children the clown has eaten that day...

Phillips vs Flathead

2011-05-18T17:40:00.000-07:00

Why is it when you need a phillips head screwdriver, you can only find a flathead? And why is it when you need a flathead screwdriver all you can find is a phillips? What is the reason for the flathead screw in the first place? Flatheads are the most annoying of the screw breed. Especially when you are balancing on a step ladder on top of your mattress trying to remove the vent plate from the ceiling. You can try to use a cordless drill, but you will fail. The torque of the drill combined with the pressure you apply to the screw will cause the bit to slip out of the slot and puncture the sheetrock. The phillips head always seems like a better idea. The bit fits nice and snug into the screw head. Loosy lefty, righty tighty, pretty simple. Well, there are those cases when you have a tightly embedded screw that requires your cordless drill. Then, of course, the screw will made of a softer material than your drill bit and you strip the crap out of it. Requiring you to get the nail puller and do some open heart surgery. Then comes the spackle, sanding and painting....AAAAGGGGHHHH!!!!

How to Fix a Sagging Gate

2011-05-09T12:25:00.000-07:00

We paid someone to build us a fence back in 2010 when we bought this home we currently dwell in. I don't think they ever built a gate before, because no matter what they did, the gate would sag. This product fixes that. It's hard not to screw it up when you have this kit.

Tips for Chewing Gum

2011-04-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

Here is a short guide to maximize everyone's enjoyment of your gum chewing

Chew with your mouth open
Smack against roof of mouth
Blow bubbles then suck them in as to make the sound of a vacuum cleaner picking up a ziplock bag.
Place enough gum in your mouth as to hinder speech
Throw away gum in a place where someone will step on it. A few steps from your parked car should suffice.
If someone asks for a piece of gum, always say you're chewing your last piece.

Hope this helps

God and Cheetos

2011-02-15T05:35:00.000-08:00

Got behind a lady at Walmart buying one of those teeny tiny bags of Cheetos. Of course she had a gift card and wanted to check the balance, then decide not to use it. Then pull out a wad of bills only to decide to use exact change. But wait, there's more, she had to get her employee discount card for the teeny tiny bag of Cheetos. Finally, it was time for the cashier to go home, so I had to wait for the change over. God I know that you have taught me patience, because I didn't throw my 12 pack of Pepsi at this lady. Thank you Lord.

Excessive Tattooing?

2011-01-17T15:51:00.001-08:00

I went to a tattoo convention and a basketball game broke out.

Blackberry Bold Review

2011-01-16T20:52:00.000-08:00

It sucks

Xanax De-Energy Drinks?

2011-01-10T06:53:00.000-08:00

I think Xanax is missing a major target market, they need to start a line of "de-engery" drinks so people will calm the freak down.

Sleep Like a Baby?

2010-12-31T19:52:00.000-08:00

I don't understand why people are always saying. "Ah, I slept like a baby last night". If you think about it, sleeping like a baby isn't that good. Unless you consider waking up every 2.5 hours and sucking on a boobie a good nights sleep. Well maybe the boobie part.

Have evolutionists evolved enough?

2010-12-20T20:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think that people who believe in evolution haven't evolved enough (if I believed in evolution). Side note, I do believe that there are small changes over generations that are passed down, but not in Macro Evolution where whales turn into people.I have seen people turn into whales though.

I mean really, to think that with all the complexity that's involved in the universe, planet, our bodies, and our eyeballs, it's quite a leap of "faith" to believe we weren't created. Millions of years of time is not a verbal magic wand to account for the grandiose design that is before us. I'm keeping it simple, don't want to overwhelm anyone with the facts that I've gathers over the years, but would be more than happy to direct you to a terrific resource that will make your brain hurt when you read it.

Old School vs New School Debates

2010-11-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

I miss the days when we fought over "Is the General Lee faster than Knight Rider" or "Is Freddy tougher than Jason" not Abortion and Same-sex marriage.

Double Crisp Hot Fries

2010-11-02T13:49:00.000-07:00

Preheat Oven 400°
Cut up some taters (I use a tater cutter)
Put in big Bowl (toss with evOO and S&P)
Put taters on cooling rack inside baking sheet
Bake for 30 minutes
Take out and add Death Rain Nitro
Reheat oven to 425°
Bake for 15-20 More Minutes

Reproductive Freedom?

2010-11-01T10:25:00.000-07:00

There needs to be a clarification of what reproductive freedom means, whether to have sex or not. Once you become pregnant, then you have reproduced, give freedom to the child you have created. It is not your choice anymore. Support Abort73.com

Otterbox Defender for iPhone4

2010-09-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

For those who want to use the iPhone4 and have freakishly large hands, this case is great! I will occasionally drop my phone or my toddlers will find it, so I feel better about the hard shell inside of the soft outer skin. Plus it negates the flawed antenna design so I can hold my phone under my armpit if I want. The best thing about it is that I saw it in best buy and used my Amazon App to order it right in front of the sales clerk who was helping me. Booya, saved 20 bucks! (just kidding, that would be mean)
Go Get it...

Wild Wing Cafe Braveheart Wings

2010-09-10T07:09:00.000-07:00

Probably the hottest wing I've ever had, a bit hotter than the Blazin' wings at Buffalo Wing Wings. When I first moved to Charleston my brother in law introduced me to Wild Wing Cafe. They have the best and tastiest selection of wing sauces I've tried. I've come to love the Carolina Fireball for it's sweet and flaming heat, but when I ordered the Braveheart for the first time, I knew I found my favorite. The waiter kept coming back to check on me to see what I thought. It was quite hot, but I've grown a tolerance for the heat now. Every time I order, I'm asked if I've ever had them before. I assure them, that I have. I've ordered six the last time. I'm sure it won't be long until it's all I order. Can't feel the heat in my mouth, but my head thinks it's on fire as sweat rolls off my forehead.

Mosque at Ground Zero?

2010-08-26T05:50:00.000-07:00

Not until they open of these next door...

Beard Benefit Banter

2010-08-25T20:47:00.000-07:00

Benefits of having a mustache that I'm missing right now.

Sweat filtering
Helps mask your stank breath
Makes drinking from a 20oz Pepsi Max bottle easier (not forming such a tight seal

There are also a few drawbacks of shaving all your facial hair

Your small children will wonder who you are
Your wife will laugh hystaricaly for 10 minutes at your weird face and tell you to grow it back
Gauges how much weight you've gained by discovering new chins
All the food you miss doesn't get caught in your beard, falls in your lap

check out Beards.org

Deal Alert

2010-08-21T10:17:00.000-07:00

Goodwill has this on sale for $2, no more bathroom breaks during those long trips!

Becoming the Target

2009-06-10T17:41:00.000-07:00

If you ever want to draw attention to yourself, wear a red shirt with tan pants to Target. Like I did today at my lunch break. It helps if your company requires you to wear a lanyard with an I.D. badge. It happened twice in the short time I was "just looking around". One guy even looked at my badge and almost didn't believe me, we shared a laugh.

Anyway, if you are caught in a situation such as mine you have two options: either tell the "attention to detail" customers the truth or have some fun.

Direct them to isles that don't exist
Recommend certain "personal" items, and explain you're using them right now
Lead them around the store, searching for items that don't belong, like looking for grape nuts in the camping section
Recommend horror films as kids movies
Rummage through their cart and say things like, "Wow, I thought this was recalled"
Offer unwarranted advice like: "Seems like you should be looking for the prescription strength deodorant or some age defying make-up"
Offer to check in the back stockroom, and never return
Say that you're a manager, and you don't "stoop" to the customer level.

Those are just a few things you can do, I'm sure you can think of many others, but this will get you started.

A Grand Waste of Money/Time

2004-02-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

Part of Robin's family came for a visit this past weekend. Wayne (Father), Janet (Mother), Melissa (Sister), Joey (Brother-in-Law) and Samantha (Niece). We had a house full. What did we decide to do? GO TO THE CASINO! We went to the Grand Casino in Tunica on Saturday night after eating some good ole Memphis BBQ.

It's really sad in the casino, contrary to the excitement they say goes on among the flashing lights and clouds of suffocating second hand smoke. People with their hopes on winning so they can retire early. They mash the "Spin Reels" in frustration knowing it's the last of their paycheck and they have to find some sort of explanation of where the grocery money went. They wipe the filth from their fingers after touching coins that slip from their hands into the orifice of the one-armed piggy bank of no return. The are offered free drinks only to distort their judgment on how much is too much and went it's time to fold'em.

Everyone is looking around with cautious eyes. They want to know how well you are playing and how much you've won, while guarding their coin cups with a grip that would make Darth Vader proud. You are allowed to win at first so that you will start betting higher and that's when you start to lose. Once your confidence is up you are brought down with a crashing clang.

Of course, if I actually won any money this would be a completely different story.

Slip on Shoes

2004-02-02T13:02:00.000-08:00

Update: I now own a pair of slip on business casual shoes, and they suck.

Is Generation Y getting so lazy that they can't even tie their own shoes? I can understand flip flops at the pool, but wearing them with jeans while shopping at the mall for your Abercrombie, two sizes too small, fleece turtle neck? For old people with the slip on or Velcro type shoes, this is fine. But this is not for you kids who can get into shopping carts and smash your brains in the Wal-mart parking lot.

The style is starting to bleed over into Gen-X. I see late twenty and early thirty folks with the slip on dress shoes. You can tell who they are before they can be seen. You can hear their heels rubbing on the backs of the shoes making a sound that emulates a walrus gulping down a bucket of kippered herring.

I've got one question that should get you back to solid lace-up shoes. What happens when you have to run for your life when the building catches fire and there is broken glass everywhere? Your slip on shoes ain't so cool now when the come flying off in a mad dash for the open air. Running for your life ain't that easy when people are crushing your exposed feet and broken glass is ripping your flesh open. But I guess they would come in handy when a thug approaches you on the street. When you start your leaping round house kick your shoe flys off for a distraction.

Well, I've never owned a pair, so I guess I don't know what I'm missing. And if you are going to expose your feet, make sure you get all the mushrooms out from underneath your toenails and they don't scrape the ground in front of you when you walk.

Buzzwords for 2004

2004-01-01T13:07:00.000-08:00

Cash Back
Everyone offers cash back for everything. Phone services, credit cards, and even ATM's! Wait, they are supposed to offer cash back, sorry.

Chipotle
This pepper is in everything nowadays. Try the new extra spicy jiff peanut butter. Now with a chipotle kick!

Loose Slots
If you live anywhere near a casino, this is a term that abused. Everybody has the loosest slots. And some even offer double and triple cash back!

Extreme
With the introduction of Extreme toothpaste, companies are still exploiting everything extreme. Have our lives become so dull that we need Extreme products to make us more excited?

The Good Stuff
Get more of the Good Stuff, Gather around the Good Stuff. Stuff is a on a comeback. Well you can stuff your stuff in your stuffer.

Ask your Doctor....
if [fill in the drug name] is right for you. They never say what the drug is, and sometimes you don't get enough clues. "Doc, I can't shake the flu, is Diflucan right for me?", "Well, sir, only if you have a abnormal vaginal discharge".

DVD Down the Drain

2003-06-02T14:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, I love DVD's but I'm kinda tired of waiting around to see what versions are coming out. Let's not take advantage of sequels and put out a "new" version just before the next sequel comes out. Do you think adding more deleted scenes and preview require the title "Ultimate" or "Extreme". Aren't deleted scenes something the director didn't want us to see in the first place? Let's get it right the first time and not re-tool and re-release. Don't try to bait us with free movie tickets to the sequel either.

We also buy the DVD's because we don't like to see previews for other movies. These previews tend to "date" when the movie was released on DVD. Please stop making full screen movies on DVD. If people complain about widescreen movies having the picture cut off at the top and the bottom, they should take their DVD player back and trade it up for a Spark-O-Tech VCR with a four button remote so they can rent some VHS. Make more DVD's like Mr Lucas and make the DVD a worthy purchase.

The mid-spring rush

2003-05-30T13:25:00.000-07:00

Fluffy fresh flowers with fragrance of febreeze
Loaded with pollen to make everyone sneeze
Grass needs cuttin, and the bugs start bitin'
A whole lotta rain mixed with thunder and lightin'

Try to loose weight to fit in your swimsuit
Eatin lots a all bran mixed with sweet fruit
You give up real quick cause donuts taste good
And there's too many cookouts in your neighborhood

So what does it mean, this mid spring rush
I just downed a 2 liter of orange and grape crush

Dave

2003-05-29T13:27:00.000-07:00

Kitties and Kittens have lots of fur
They shed it everywhere as they purr
They crap in your shoes and eat all your plants
They rub on your leg and pee on your pants
What bundles of joy these little cats bring
Jumping on the counter to eat the taco ring
Scratching and clawing and biting and ripping
Your skin just enough to leave the blood dripping
Oh how I love my cute kitty cat
Leaving dead rodents on my door mat
Going in, going out, can't make up their mind
But it's nice to pet them as you try to unwind

Driving Tips

2003-05-19T13:28:00.000-07:00

When merging, go as slow as possible, and ride the lane all the way to the end.
Remember, it's a race, so make sure ride the bumper and don't let anyone in front of you
Increase speeds during rain or snow, and drive even faster on ice because you'll get better gas mileage during the slides.
When people are merging from the on ramp, move into the far right lane and match their speed
Make sure you have a loud or bad muffler, cause other drivers really appreciate it
Be sure to glare at other drivers, especially if you are driving a huge truck
Get yourself a Hummer, because you really need something big and hard to park
No need for a liscense plate if you have a sharpie and a rectangular piece of cardboard

Our 3rd Trip Around the Sun

2003-05-13T14:52:00.000-07:00

A woman crazy enough to get wedded
To a fella like this three years ago
In my heart she's deeply embedded
With a love that shines like indiglo.

Through the days and nights we laugh and cry
Becoming more transparent in each others eyes.
My love will endure till the day I die.
To please my wife, my soul will try

I love you Robin....

Wal-Mart's Tire and Lube Distress

2003-05-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

Got time to kill
Want attitude from the clerks
Need to have your oil plug rounded off
Need to have the oil plug gasket removed so oil leaks
Need to have your fuse box cover kicked out
Need to have your car rammed through the garage doors
Need to have your oil cap left off so oil spews all over the inside
Need to have your lug nuts loosened so the the tires are ruined

Business Terminology I don't care for

2003-05-01T14:55:00.000-07:00

In theory - I'm not sure but I'll try
Play Catchup - I haven't had a chance to micro-manage you while I was on vacation
I assumed, I'm assuming - I should have asked you before I started this
What'cha workin on? - I'm micro managing you
Whats on your plate? - I got more work for you
I've got a full plate - Leave me alone already
It's pretty straight-forward - It will be very difficult to do, but I don't see it yet

How hard is it to aim at the urinal?

2003-04-30T13:15:00.000-07:00

Go sit down like a girl if you can't aim. Last thing I need is to slide in urine as I'm unzipping. Don't you hate it when you are standing there and your feet begin to slide apart because of all the residue on the floor.

Garments

2003-04-22T13:17:00.000-07:00

Clothes are necessary. Clothes cover up our nakedness and hide our inperfections. They emphasize or mask things we are proud or ashamed of. Clothes tell the world about how we feel about ourselves. So, why is it that others dictate on how we dress? Why do we have to segrate ourselves by the way we dress. Why do others set dress codes that we must follow? What makes them high and mighty? Oh yeah, they pay us. Oops, nevermind...

Tips that the conversation is over

2003-04-18T13:17:00.000-07:00

When they start saying.. "Well...anyway"

When they start looking away as if interested in something else

When they start moving away slowly like they gotta pee

When their phone rings, it's time for you to leave

When they say..."Ok then" alot

When you realize that the conversation has become one sided, and you are doing the jabbering

If they have something in their hands and they keep looking at it

When they tell you the conversation is over

At The Checkout Line

2003-04-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

Please stop writing checks, or make a separate line for check writers and punish them by checking for all the ID's until they get the hint that checks are so 20th century
Make us credit and debit users a separate line, so we can get on with our day
Please don't bring your paycheck and get it cashed
If you have a cart full of merchandise and the person behind you has one or two items, be a good citizen and let them step ahead of you.
This is not the time to send your kids or significant other to fetch more items and hold up the line.
This is not the time to _get to know your cashier_ and tell them intimate details about your life

Thoughts from the Road

2003-04-07T13:24:00.000-07:00

Why do country stations come in so clear and every other station is such a fine tuning effort?
American Top 40 is not live, much to my dissapointment. I didn't know that Casey Casum was still alive.
Starbucks mocha frappachino is good 'n milky.
Diet coke makes me urinate more that coffee does.
What is so hard about putting ketchup packets on my tray, call in sick if you don't want to help your customers, or get a new job.
When you order your burger and ask for no tomatos, and they give them to you anyway, take the mayonaise covered tomatoes off the burger and sling them on the order counter and say, I didn't order these
It's nice to know that Jesus still loves you in a bathroom covered with urine and fecal stains
Why do they call it Mello Yello, when has it ever made you mello?
Don't wave somebody to come out and then cut them off. This is what causes peoples tires to get shot out.

Things that really pi$$ me off

2003-03-28T13:10:00.000-08:00

People who write checks at the "self check out" lane of the grocery store.
People who are shopping at the mall and walk slow and weave so you can't get around them
Honda Civics defaced with wings, spoilers,neon glow lights, ram intakes, and mufflers that make them sound like Count Dooku's dune speeder
The Fast and the Furious for starting this trend
The Fast and the Furious 2 for the possiblity of new ideas
Movies that tack on Part 2 because they can't think of a good title, or they think the audience is too stupid to figure it's the sequel

Yin and Yang

2003-03-26T13:12:00.000-08:00

yin: A big drink of cold water after brushing your teeth
yang: Finding something floating in the water in mid-chug

yin: Enjoying a nice big chocolate ice cream cone after a satisfying meal on your luxury cruise vacation
yang: Sitting on the toilet with it because you don't have any room left after your sixth satisfying meal of the day

yin: Finding a Quarter on the ground
yang: Bending over to pick it up only to find out it's stuck to the ground by mucous

Did you know?

2003-03-25T13:12:00.000-08:00

A 20oz Pepsi One bottle fits perfectly inside of a Pringles potato chip can?

This is my beloved, this is my friend

2000-05-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

This woman

1999-11-26T20:55:00.000-08:00

is crazy enough to be my wife.